The Euphoria of Elliot Page

RUVEN AFANADOR for Esquire

“What have I learned from transitioning? I can’t overstate the biggest joy, which is really seeing yourself. I know I look different to others, but to me I’m just starting to look like myself. It’s indescribable, because I’m just like, there I am. And thank God. Here I am.” That is the opening to Elliot Page’s poignant and powerful essay about his experience of transitioning. Elliot describes the darkness they felt trapped in at the height of the popularity of the movie Juno and their experience of transphobia. The essay also recounts the joy they experience working on The Umbrella Academy and the sorts of things that bring them that intoxicating feeling of euphoria.

The essay, at times, feels a little like a stream of consciousness or that we are only hearing one half of a conversation. That isn’t a bad thing at all. I’m not sure if Paige had a message in mind with how they wrote their essay, but maybe they did. The essay can be seen as rejecting the logic of heteronormativity and binary gender expectations. By unsettling the reader, it forces us into a different posture, one where we are forced to reach for meaning rather than assuming that the meaning we see is the meaning that is. That is a fitting way to think of gender broadly and the experiences of transgender and gender non-conforming people.

The narrative has an opacity where only select parts are brought into clear visibility. As a cisgender Queer man, I know how opacity like that has been fundamental to my well-being. I’m glad that Elliot Paige has that opacity and the euphoria they describe as wearing a white t-shirt that fits right.